Chapter 12
Confession at the Friary.
Thomas’ absence hadn’t gone unnoticed. He was hoping that he could quietly sneak his way back into the friary so no one would see him, especially in street attire, but at the exact time as he reached for the door handle, the door opened from the inside where Father John was preparing to leave. “Thank you, Lord, Thomas thought to himself sarcastically. Of course you won’t make this easy for me.” “Thomas! Brother John exclaimed exasperated. Where have you been? We’ve been looking for you for hours. I was just going out to look for you. You missed dinner and our appointment. We were about to call the police. Are you ok?” “You had us worried sick!”
“I’m so very sorry, Brother. I am fine, physically, anyway. Actually, I can’t say that either. Look at me! I’m not the picture of health. I should say that I am physically unharmed. But, well, I guess I need to have a serious talk with you,” replied Thomas deciding then and there that ripping off the bandaid was the best approach, no time to waste. Thomas spent the next hour explaining to Brother John about what transpired that day at the park and recounting excerpts from his childhood, his overbearing mother, his lack of passion for his work and his general all around dismal disposition. “I just don’t think…. no, I know that I can no longer live a life that exists in deception any longer. My heart is heavy and I can no longer be of service to the community in this capacity. I will refrain from declaring that God has abandoned me, because I don’t believe that to be true. It is quite the opposite. I could not have had these revelations unless I was given the strength from God to do so. He judges me not for my decision. Whether He will help provide for me and help alight my path down this dark, desolate road, I know not but if I have learned nothing else in these years, it’s that all I have is my faith.
Brother John sat quietly digesting the news. He wasn’t exactly sure what to say, this being an unprecedented situation at their particular church. He remembered reading in an article about how to counsel couples through certain marital problems and that when one party complained about a particular issue, the other spouse was supposed to ask, “Are you looking for advice or for an ear?” Because he wasn’t ready to dispense any advice should Thomas be asking for it, he opted for the easier road and decided that Thomas just needed an ear at this moment. Someone to hear his grievances and not question anything just yet. The wound was too fresh. The feelings acting as adrenaline were still coursing through his veins and any opposition would be met with a defensive counterstrike. After a moment, John smiled and nodded, patting Thomas on the shoulder. “Thank you for confiding with me, Thomas. That must have been very difficult. He paused for a moment and instead of launching into a series of “Have you considered x, y, and z questions that Thomas was expecting, he simply said, “You must be starving. Why don’t I fix you a plate of food while you get changed and I’ll meet you in the kitchen?”
Brother John stood up and left Thomas in silence. “That’s it, questioned Thomas silently to himself?” He didn’t even try and talk me out of it. He didn’t tell me I was right or wrong or ridiculous or hasty or a disappointment. I can’t decide if I’m insulted or relieved.” Thomas went to his room to take a quick shower and change back into his robe which felt strangely foreign to him. He wanted to remove it as soon as he had put it on. It was almost as if his decision had already shifted his mindset and mentally he had already left this life behind. As he found his way to the kitchen, he already felt a little lighter, at least in the metaphysical sense. He assumed Brother John would perhaps begin his inquisition in the kitchen and he was ready for it, the shower having washed away most of the guilt he was feeling before his confession. The kitchen, however, was empty save for a single place setting with a bowl of steaming stew waiting for him.
He sat in silence, savoring the hot meal but not before silently giving thanks to Brother John for showing him the grace and privacy he needed at this moment.